you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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