Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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