I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Randomize
