Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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