now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
