Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
