How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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