Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize