Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
