Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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