Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
