saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
