for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
