I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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