just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
