My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
