woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
