I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
