Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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