oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
