I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
