I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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