my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
