Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
