Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
