I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
