Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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