So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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