Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
