ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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