So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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