so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
