I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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