i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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