Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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