Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
