my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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