Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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