Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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