Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize