I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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