its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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