new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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