Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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