Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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