census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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