Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my shit smells like andre
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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