my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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