Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
