My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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