I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
