got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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