Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
