im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
