what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
