My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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