Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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