New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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