OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
