I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
