What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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