Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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