I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
