did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
