Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
