a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
