All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
