Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
They have beer where we have blood.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
