Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
