I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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